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I am exhausted. (PERIOD)

17 Feb

The Pirate left for overseas on Valentines Day and I have been left to fend for myself.

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Pirate in his gear

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The Pirate checking in at the airport

It’s hard having my hunny gone I miss him dearly already but I think it’s even harder having my other half missing.  Cooking for one, 2x the dog duty, sleeping alone, boat duties etc.. are not fun activities to be done alone, if at all.

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Our good-bye hug 😦

Just to give you a 3 day run down, what’s been going on ole’ El Corderito:

–        Coconut has peed in her cage 3 days and counting, she has peed on the couch once (with me standing inches away from her with her leash in hand)  And this morning she peed at the foot of the bed – I stepped in it.

–       Coconut’s butt is leaking – I call it ‘poo juice’ and its stanks.

–       Emma almost attacked a sweet little blonde dog because it look at her the ‘wrong way’

–       Coconut after wanting to chase a squirrel on a long walk around the tidal basin cleverly wiggled her way out of her new harness leaving me and Emma on a wild Chihuahua-goose chase around the Jefferson Monument.  Emma would have had a good time if I wasn’t screaming at the top of my lungs.

–       Oh and the pièce de résistance – the toilet has been clogged for 2.5 days.  Last night I ventured to our ghetto grocery store and bought some drane-o.  I got the MAX GEL.  If it didn’t do the trick it would eat through the plastic tubes and ruin the entire toilet. I didn’t care- I decided to risk it.  AND!!!! While I was checking out I saw my favorite Argentine Malbec 30% off………

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My Savior - Malbec

If you know me I love sales, and I love anything exported from mi querida Argentina

Excited I decided to buy a few and by a few I mean AN ENTIRE CASE.  Yes I bought 12 bottles of wine just for me.  The check out lady gave me a smile when I came to her register with said case of wine and Drane-o.

All I wanted to say was HEY- I live alone on a boat with 2 overwhelming dogs this wine is going to make it all palpable for the next 179 days.

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Maggy? No COCONUT (Part 2)

8 Feb

On my Wisconsin Craigslist search for a dog, I soon came across listing for a tiny white puppy girl. 

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A Scrawny White Dog

It said:

 “Small 5 month old dog, good with cats and dogs, $100.00 rehoming fee, Text me if you are interested.”  Text?  This person put their number on craigslist? 

Ok sounds easy enough to me.  I texted them and within 5 minutes I had set up a time the next morning to go visit ‘Maggie.’ 

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Craigslist Text

My mother, impressed with how quickly it all came together said;

 “Ok we can go see her tomorrow even THOUGH it’s my BIRTHDAY!”

The next day we drove through farms and odd dilapidated towns for 2 hours. When we got there we found an odd duplex apartment building and the apartment they family lived in had a stove and a washing machine on their patio…..  (I wish I had taken a picture)

A rough looking gentleman came out and told us his wife was washing the dog and they’d be out in a minute.  In the window I could see a dirty couch, a few children a full grown boxer and a cat.  ALL in a VERY small dirty apartment.  EEKK this felt more like a rescue than an adoption. 

Finally they brought Maggy out, she was wet, shivering, barely had any hair on her backside but very playful and sweet acting.  My mom burst out with;

 “Well she’s wonderful!! My daughter has always wanted a Paris Hilton dog.”  Ummm, no I have not!!  Then she handed them the $100.00, and the woman insisted that we took the towel she was wrapped in because it was snowing out.  

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My New Wet Puppy

As we walked out of the apartment I was beaming and tearing up with happiness. I had a new puppy!!!  And she was beyond adorable….

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The Wench and her Puppy

But little did I know what she had in store for us…..

To Be Continued:

Adopting a Pooch (Part 1)

8 Feb

After my dear sweet pug, Peggy passed away I was in a state of shock and distress.

My mother and I decided that the only way to cure my ills was to search for a new dog.  Naturally the first thing I searched for were female pugs 5+years old.    I found one in Michigan that sounded wonderful – she said no.  I opened my search to the tri state area, Maryland, Virginia and DC.

ALL I could find the Mid Atlantic region were pitbull mixes or small dogs with severe behavioral issues.

ALSO – very strict adopting policies.  The blurbs about the dogs went something like this:

I’ll admit that I can be dog aggressive but I like humans and since pit bulls are a loyal breed, I’m looking for an individual who will appreciate that...”  Umm No THANK YOU aggression and a Great Dane will not mix.

Not deterred, I decided that when I flew home for Da Mama’s birthday I could find a dog in Wisconsin or Illinois.

Da Mama & her Daughter

In the weeks before leaving D.C. I scoured petfinder.com and all local Humane Societies.  Finally I came upon a sweet little rescue dog from Southern Illinois named Pebbles. (If you did not know – Southern Illinois is UBER hick town, where instead of rescuing stray dogs they send them to kill shelters – as a result Northern Illinois rescue groups go down in big trucks and scoop up all the flee bitten pups and bring them up to the Chicago area to get adopted.)

Pebbles!!

I e-mailed the rescue group asking if I could come see Pebbles that weekend with my mom and brother.  I lied and said I lived in Wisconsin, because if they knew I lived in DC they wouldn’t even let me meet Pebbles.  We drove 3 hrs to get there, when we arrived at the house it was FULL of weird mangy stray mutts that the chain-smoking rescue woman was rehabbing.

Pebbles was adorable!!  I thought she was wonderful, even though her lady bits were a wee bit saggy.  It looked like she had a few too many litters of puppies for being 3 yrs old.

Pebbles and her perky ears

We chatted with the smoking rescue lady a bit then my mom asked;

“So – what’s the process? We think we would really like to adopt Pebbles.”  The lady said,

“Well you really live to far away – Wisconsin is too far, we don’t trust that you will take good care of her.”  She implied we were unfit owners due to distance.

WHAT?!?!? Was this woman on crack?  Oh, yes – me, my brother and mother seemed like we were definitely going to use Pebbles as bait in dog fights in Wisconsin.  And if that was an issue why didn’t she tell us we lived too far away on the phone?!?!  Defeated and after a couple harsh words from Da Mama to the freak-rescue lady we left without Pebbles and drove home, deflated.  I was beyond upset and utterly disappointed.  I foolishly had set my heart on getting Ms. Pebbles, I had even in my head imagined how much she would love Emma.   My mother seeing my mood increasingly plummet said,

“Why don’t you get on Craigslist on your phone and see if there are any dogs!”  I thought this sounded extremely sketchy, but I did it anyways….. And what we found was a little surprising

To be Continued!!!……………………..

A Coconut and A Chickie

31 Jan

For the past almost 10 years I had a pug. While pugs are the sweetest most lovely animals, they are not the greatest problem solvers. Now I have a Coconut (a pure white devil-mutt)

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Arrrgh Walking the Docks

She is insanely clever. OR I am woefully unfamiliar with how normal dogs solve problems. Here is Coconut in action.

Coconut and her Chickie

Watch as she gets her chickie, chews an power cord and thrills both Emma and I. Ok – just me, I am easily amused.

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Take 2

Take 3

Coconut OVERBOARD!!!

25 Jan

I love my dear sweet Coconut.  But ask anyone who has met her.  She is a hellion.

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White Devil.

I decided to wash Emma on the docks, because it was unseasonably warm …try 55 degrees in January.  QUOI?!  That is pretty much balmy for a Wisconsinite.  I put on running shorts, a tank and flip flops.  There I was sudsing up the Great Dane as quicky as possible — I may or may not have been losing feeling in my fingers.  And all of a sudden I see Coconut putting her paw on the ladder to get down off of the boat.

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(to show you the back of the boat and the Pirate)

I screamed at The Pirate who was standing next to her:

“GET HER!!”  He grabbed her, firmly told her “NO.” and put her back down.

TWO seconds later she put her paw back on the ladder and proceeded to walk down the ladder, just like she’d seen me do.  BIG mistake.  She fell straight down about 10 feet onto the swim platform, bounced off of it, ricocheted off the dock, then fell between the boat and dock.

I thought I was about to watch my puppy drown. (noting that I would have seen 2 puppies die in 3 months) I dropped the hose and ran to try to get her out of the water.  By the time I got there, she was swimming, and swam away from me and UNDER the boat.

I started to get frantic, very frantic and screaaaaaaamed to The Pirate

“GET HER! GET HER! GET HER!!!!!!!”  He dropped to the docks and kept trying to scoop her out of the water.  But she was swimming under the swim platform.  Finally he caught her. He Pulled her out by the skin on her butt and oddly enough she was no worse for wear.

… Just covered in green river slim and twigs.

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Puppy rescued

At that point the neighbor came running out of her floating house to see what was going on to see if she could help.  The Pirate laughed looked at me and went:

“HA! I guess you really do love your Coconut!!!”

Really REALLY?!?

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Who wouldn't love this little rat?

Background-er

24 Jan

Background – because you are probably wondering how the eff’ did all this start?

My name is Charlotte.  I am a Wisconsin girl, through and through, even though I don’t enjoy football… The Green Bay Packers are barely tolerable, I love my state.  I love the brewers, I love beer (esp Summer Shandy by Leinenkugel’s) I love cheese, I love Lake Michigan, I love downtown Milwaukee, I love driving through farmland and I love it when my mom pulls over on the side of the road and talks to the dairy cows.

HELLOOO GIRLS!!!” she screeches.   The cows know her and sometimes a few of them come to the fence to greet her.  Then the farmer usually wonders who the crazy is talking to his cows and shoos her away (my mother, not the cows).  We laugh and agree unanimously that our Mumma is certifiable.

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My sister and I were born in Scandinavia, moved to the states when were very young.  While this is part of who we are, it certainly shouldn’t distract from the fact that we are full blooded WISCO girls 4life.  I am one of FOUR children.  Don’t even get me started on how my only wish in life was to be an only child.  There is ME, Karina, then 10+ years later Brother#1 and Brother#2.  Age gaps are big in this fam-damn-ily.

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I went to college in Massachusetts, my sister in Vermont (we are less than 2yrs apart).  Now I live in Washington D.C. ON A BOAT, with my Cuban fiancé and two puppy dogs, a Great Dane named Emma and a Chihuahua/Terrier-Hellion named Coconut.

I decided at LONG LAST to create this little gem because for a few reasons.

#1.  I am a prepschool princess who likes the finer things in life.  I am now living on a boat with a Cuban (who frequently channels Captain Jack Sparrow), TWO wild dogs, and learning how to be a spouse/career-woman/poop-scooper extraordinaire and not drown at the same time.

#2. My family is CRAY-CRAY.  Yes I said it. I grew up on a funny farm, and now the distance between my family and me makes me realize just how cray-cray they really are.  And don’t even get me started on the Pirate’s enormous cray-cray Cuban family!

#3.  I read a lot of blogs – I mean A LOT. And I am bound and determined to write witty funny exposés about my life that isn’t dribblely, whiney, OH-OMG MY LIFE IS SO WONDEFUL I CAN’T STAND IT nasty annoying verbal girl-vomit.